Personal Writing: A Respect to Decision Makers

People made decisions everyday. Some did it good. Some didn't. Some went through so many things to get into the final decision. Some just had the idea popped up on their minds during shower. I am not different either. 

The first ever decision that I made on my own was when I had to choose the major in University. Ever since I was in elementary school I just went with the flow of my surroundings. Like when most of my friends chose to continue their studies at 'A' Middle High, I did too. Same things happened when I chose Senior High School. I just never really had my own preferences back then. I simply thought that what most people chooses is what best for me as well.

So, during my final year of high school when we had to make our decision to choose what major we'd be learning, I chose to be different. When most of my friends were fighting for medical science, I chose this one Engineering Department for good. And as much as confident I were when choosing this, I had my ups and downs that sometimes led me up to the boredom and even regret.

There were days when I felt so blessed that I chose this faculty because of so many good things and exciting experiences happened to me. I did regret once, but it was not to the extent I wanted to restart everything all over again. I just wondered what if I chose another faculty and so on. But I never really wanted to leave what I started. I am not that kind of person. Well, boredom might come once or twice. It is natural since we're all human who has limit to everything. We just need to take a deeper breath, get over it, and continue where we had paused. 

Back to making decision, it is never an easy thing to deal with. Like I said, some people might went through so many things just to make sure they chose the right flower to brighten their loved ones. To make such simple decision, they gave it all their best. I appreciate that kind of people a lot. For me, they seem taking things seriously, not just seeing it as some random things they're dealing with.

I, myself, always make a decision in a serious way. I considered so many things before coming to the final choice. Sometimes people might see me as a person who didn't make her decision seriously. People can judge, but they would never know what made me choosing this path I am walking on. They might think I carelessly made my way but I know what I do, and I know I have God with me in every decisions that I made. I respect people's opinion because I believe every human being has their own preferences and says. But I respect myself more and I respect the opinion from the people I love. I make my decision based on what my heart and soul feel right, based on what people I love say what fits me better, upon my continuous prays and hopes to God. Those three things, I believe will always lead me into making the best decision for my life.

The reasonings behind every decisions are going in a various way and as mysterious as one's heart, I don't think we have the rights to judge whether it's good or bad. We will never know what made them choose their way unless we ever been in their shoes and see from the same spectacles. Well, who knows that the decisions they made may not be the ones they want as well but under some circumstances, they have to choose that way. So, isn't it better to let people has control on their own lifes as long as they don't cross the boundaries as well? Just, you know, as the respect to every decision makers out there.

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Personal Writing: Me Today: Realization

Dejected feeling I feel all the time

I enter a whole new part of my life. I am no longer those girl with reports on my hand running here and there yelling 'deadline-deadline' crazily. I don't chase the campus bus anymore because run out of time. I don't stress, stay up late at night in front of computer, sleep secretly during class, or skip lunch because all the stupid waitings. It is no longer part of my life now. But I miss those already. It seems like it was just yesterday I entered the campus life. Now I already leave them all behind. I am not a student anymore, I got heavier responsibility now. Those two letters submitted in the end of my name look so beautiful yet, idk, strangely weighted? Sometimes I feel kind of proud, most of the time I feel annoyed. Those two letters prevent me from acting silly (which is real me), it makes people avert their looks at me like, 'dude you're not a kid, cut the act!'
That annoyed me sometimes but I know it's time. It's that time of moment when people migrates to the next step of their life. It's my turn now. At first I was so excited that I couldn't stop making future plans of my life. Different versions each day cause it is just too much I wanna grab at once. But apparently I was not ready. I don't know why. It was just, I think I'm not mentally prepared. I can't help feeling anxious all the time. I kind of become so sensitive upon my surrounding. One time I really want to have a decent job and build my carreer path. The next day I gave up because I think I messed up my job interview. Minutes later I want to continue my study and pursue master degree. But next thing I did was just sitting on the edge my bed, wondering if it is my true passion then burying my face on the pillow drowsily, ready to sleep any moment. I seem like can not find my right path, what I wanna do in my life. Is it normal?

The lazier I get, the worse this stupid worries attack me. I don't like this. But yet, I have no idea how to fix this. What a confusing human being, I am..
At this rate, I just missed my friends so much. My childhood friends, middle school friends, high school friends, even current friends.. all my friends. I will start logging in my social network account that has been left for some good times in order to know how they've been. I want to chat them, I want to have a long talk about our long forgotten memories, I want to at least say hello to them.
But apparently it was not my day. Instead of being able to exchange hellos, it turned to be my crybooster (if this word even exists...).
Why?
They all have changed. Not in a bad way, I said. But they,.. idk, they found their path of life already? Some had been working for some times, others are working on their master's degree life, some even got married! It is not that I want to follow the latter ones, fyi, but what does matter... they ALL seemed to know what will they do with their only once life. Then again something crawls in, dejected feeling. And I didn't know I can be more depressed than ever.
My true passion, where should I find them?
I have so many things in mind right now though I am not sure whether it is really really my true passion. But I think I know where the problem lies here.
The problem lies on my so called heart.
Yes, it is true. I think to have so many things I want to do in the future is normal. It is called.. excited? Well, passionate maybe? It is good, isn't it? Now the problem is, what I've been calling.. not mentally prepared yet. Until when will you stay in this state? The moment I took my very first step into university, I should've been prepared. Because that was when you choose what you're gonna be later. When you took your first step to Engineering-related major, it most probably you chose to be an Engineer or at least to be someone who has a tough job, physically-mentally. You should've known that. That not-mentally-prepared, it sounds mostly like an excuse.
A lame excuse to cover dark side of you who is not dare to take a risk.
There, I said it.
Sooner or later those dark side will cover all your heart and mind and you will end up being a complete loser. I always be that one person who is left behind cause I am too scared of taking risks. It doesn't sound like fun.
Then go change. Change yourself!
People changed, then why can't you change?
Go erase that worries and scares buddy. It is not too late to do so. The late is never exist for the change. Of course you can't change what in the past, all the stupid doings you did on the past. No need to regret it too.
Things won't change once you regret it, right?
Who cares what stupid things you did on the past. People tends to forget their past faster, especially the bad ones (though people also tends to remember the others's bad past but that's different case, if you know what I mean). So, all you have to do now is to shush away that lame mental. It is hard, but you know, as time flies, what was once hard will turn into the easy one. It is natural.

Well, guess what people. I wrote this at first because I thought it would help to ease my uneasy deeds inside a bit. You know, sharing the bitterness. But as the words flow away, I guess I hit the realization button. Wow, what magic did writing do to me. I guess I should write more then~

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Personal Writing: Earthquake Remaining

30 September 2009,

Gempa Pariaman 7,6 SR..

Ga tau kenapa rasanya ada sebagian dari diriku yang ikut hilang saat gempa itu terjadi. Rasanya sunyi, hening dan begitu dingin. Aku seolah lupa cara bicara. Hanya menatap layar televisi di depanku dalam diam. Seorang ibu menggendong anaknya yang masih bayi dengan 2 putri 6-tahunnya menangis di tepi jalan tepat di depan bangunan yang luluh lantak. Sang ibu menangkat wajahnya beberapa derajat ke atas. Berusaha keras menahan airmatanya yang sudah membendung di pelupuk mata memaksa untuk keluar. Garis wajahnya terbaca jelas bahwa ia enggan membuat anak-anaknya semakin larut dalam kesedihan. Mengorbankan perasaannya sendiri tersiksa, membiarkan hatinya saja yang menangis, berpikir bahwa cukup dia dan Tuhan yang tahu ia menangis. Mereka berlari dan aku kembali merasa sebagian dari diriku ikut berlari dengan mereka. Tanpa bicara, menuju ke arah yang sama, dengan pikiran masing-masing membayangkan kata "selamat". Aku menutup wajah merasa kesepian tiba-tiba. Persis dengan yang aku rasakan 5 tahun lalu. Tsunami Aceh telah membawa pergi separuh temanku. Aku ga tau ke mana. Yang aku tau aku ga pernah bisa bertemu mereka lagi. Ga di dunia ini. Saat itu aku benci melihat tayangan detik-detik kejadian tsunami. Aku benci melihat bagaimana ombak itu menggulung mereka, benci melihat air itu menyapu tanah rencong. Jujur, sebelumnya aku ga pernah merasa punya ikatan batin yang kuat dengan Aceh (meski Aceh adalah tanah kelahiran papa). Aku ngerasa ga ada yang salah dengan kepergianku dari Aceh. Bahkan meninggalkan salah satu dari mereka dengan rasa marah ga beralasan. Tapi kejadian itu mengubahku. Saat mendengar peristiwa 26 Desember itu, yang pertama kali muncul di pikiranku adalah flashback masa kecilku. Di mana aku mengenyam bangku sekolah dasar pertama, bertemu teman-teman baru yang amat berbeda, bermain bola kasti dengan mereka, dan mengucapkan janji "sahabat sejati ga akan pergi". Aku rindu semua itu. Aku rindu mereka. Sangat. Tapi sekarang.. Mereka udah pergi menyisakan memori indah itu dan bekas air mata di pipiku yang ga akan berguna untuk apapun.

Gempa Pariaman. Aku berdoa pada Tuhan agar peristiwa ini ga memunculkan "aku"-"aku" yang lain. Orang bodoh yang baru menyadari bahwa ia punya sahabat setelah kehilangan mereka, baru sepenuhnya memahami arti kalimat bijak "kita baru merasa memiliki sesuatu setelah kehilangan sesuatu tersebut" . Orang bodoh yang pergi dengan rasa marah dan ga memberi mereka kata "maaf" hanya untuk satu hal konyol. Orang bodoh yang meninggalkan mereka tanpa pesan dan kini tengah menangis menyesali perbuatan angkuhnya dalam kesia-siaan.

Maaf.. Aku tau ini ga mengubah apapun. Tapi, semua yang bisa aku ucapkan sekarang hanyalah maaf. Kata yang ga aku berikan 5 tahun lalu di halaman sekolah pada gadis kecil dengan tangan terulur padaku. Ya Tuhan, aku selalu berharap kesempatan itu masih ada. Aku berharap peristiwa itu hanya sekedar mimpi, ga nyata. 5 tahun berlalu dan aku masih berharap saat bangun pagi aku akan mendapati diriku berada di kamar tidurku di Aceh, dengan seragam merah putih tergantung di dalam lemari, dan teriakan "ayo, berangkat" sahabat-sahabatku dari bawah. Menyenangkan -untuk saat itu- .. dan menyedihkan - untuk saat ini-.

Mereka masih berlari dengan kata "hidup" bertumpu di pundak masing-masing. Aku menghirup oksigen dua kali lebih banyak. Ya Tuhan, selamatkan mereka.

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