July 21, 2013

Personal Writing: Confession of Jealousy

It has been three days since that thing happened. Since I found out that stuff.
So, there is the girl I know. She is on last year of University, majoring Science. She is that kind of average girl. Well, I do not mean 'average' in a negative way. I mean, average like not that kind of popular, glamorous, princess-alike, genius -- type. She is ordinary. Just like me. I never know the differences between us both. But now I do. Cause she did it while I did not.
I found out that she is dating a guy now. A humble and handsome guy. I did say that she is 'average' right? But the fact, she is dating a very handsome guy now. They have been together since a year and half ago. Long enough. It sounds common, right? But one thing, she is not just dating a guy. She is dating a foreigner. A very handsome foreigner.
For me, it is like, wow. You know, I mean, I always see that a foreigner always dates beautiful girl. Girl with degree of beauty at least on the level Drew Barrymore. But this girl... I do not intend to say that she is not pretty or such. She is just very common. Very very common like me. Dude, you should see my selca! She is as 'common' as me. It is just that my skin is a bit brighter than her. Just a lil bit, 4% maybe.
But she dates him, that humble and handsome foreigner guy which as handsome as Jamie Cullum. Practically, I can say that she dates Cullum's doppelganger...
And that Cullum's doppelganger is a very humble and kindest person ever. The best point is she can not speak English. Can you imagine how could they communicate? And ever more.... fell in love?
I do not know what is wrong with my petite heart. It just can not accept the fact easily. I feel.. lost? I am not saying that I am better than her. I am just not different than her but she dates Cullum's doppelganger while I am dating my Xperia. Pathetic truth.
I kept on thinking about she must has something precious on herself that I do not have. I thought about it since the moment I knew the fact. It must be something.
I finally see something in her.
She is as humble as his boyfriend. And they shared same liking on a thing that I never put my interest into. Lord is fair.
Maybe I am smarter than her. Maybe I am able to speak in English everytime I want to. Maybe I have a cuter smile than her or have skin that 4% brighter than her. But that Cullum's doppelganger does not need them all.
She does not need to be pretty outside.
What he wants is just her pretty heart.
She does not need to speak English.
They speak with their hearts through their eyes.
She does not need to have cuter smile than everybody's.
He adores only her smile that comes straight from her heart.
She does not need to be up-to-date to the world's latest fashion, music, technology.. to the world's latest everything.
He only cares that they shared same interest in a simple thing.
She does not need to be a fashionable, princess-alike, glamorous, and genius type of girl.
He loves her for who she is.
These points are more than enough to shut my filthy mouth up. I might sound arrogant in the beginning (I know you did, it is okay), but when things I hate --every single thing that I frigging hate--, happened in the name of love, I can not bring myself to deny them. Like ever. Why?
It is simply because I believe in love.
I believe that love is pure enough to make that Cullum's doppelganger fell in love with a super ordinary girl.
I believe that love made them being their own selves.
Made her live on her own way.
Made him love her on his own way.
Actually I was still in a state where I could not accept this fact yet at the beginning. But by the end of this long confession of jealousy, I think I already brought myself to adore their beautiful love life.
I felt so relieved.

May 19, 2013

January 22, 2013

Personal Writing: You, Who Ruined The List

It was a plain Saturday afternoon. Everything was alright. The sun was shining brightly through the window and the sky was really clear as if rain will never come to visit any moment. And there I was. At one of laboratory room at campus. It was a peaceful day and my feeling was really good. I was standing in front of a notice board while some pals had some chats around me. Everything was normal as usual, really. I kept looking at one of paper stuck on the notice board. It was blur for a sec, and finally became clear as I was a bit surprised to see what’s on it. It’s not just a simple announcement more like a poster. A4 sized. I narrowed my eyes a bit. It was 2PM concert poster (kkkk, lol I know). I was bewildered at first and shouted a question to my pals without took any glance at them, “How could we have this poster here?". But no one answered me since they were busy all by themselves. I turned to them as some ‘tsk’-s came out from my mouth and turned back to read the poster again. There were another poster next to the 1st one and I was like, “Wah, they even put Taecyeon’s teaser image here.. Look at his gorgeous body”. I tapped my chin as I kept praising on his teaser image. I was still focusing on it when suddenly somebody was already standing next to me. Close enough. I did not pay attention at first but suddenly a whining sound came from that person and I turned my head. There he was.
Flawless Jungsoo. Park Jungsoo.
With annoyed expression on his face and one of his hand tried to reach a certain part of his back. To my surprises, I was not surprised or even yelled or collapsed (which is I will positively be like that IRL.. lol). It feels like, nothing’s wrong with Jungsoo standing next to me on one of laboratory room at my campus (freaking freak, to think about it again). That time, I felt he was more like a sunbae on my campus. Simply like that.
Oh, Jungsoo oppa”, that’s all what I said. 
He turned his head to me. Still looked a bit annoyed but there’s a smile on his face.
Hi Cynthia-ssi, my back, it’s a bit sore. Idk why”, he said.
I nodded, understood. And without any hesitation, I did a very brave and effin’ brave action ever (as my normal mind thought). I simply laid my right hand on that part of his back that I guessed it hurts.
Here?”, I asked.
He put his hand down to his side,
Yes, right there. I think I took wrong sleep position last night, I’m not really sure”, he said again.
I kept looking at his face as I slowly caressed his back (Lord...), tried to examined his expression.
Does it really hurt?” I asked him.
Yes, still a bit sore”, he answered but his expression kinda better.
He became more relaxed than before and those wrinkles on his forehead disappeared. I continued to carressed him as I thought it will feel much better if I kept going. And there we were. He read that poster calmly while I was on his side and my hand laid on his back, caressing him. Slowly some voices came from behind. I could say it was my pal’s and they shouted some random words toward us like, “yoohoo”, “yeaah”, “yea you both”. Something like that. I lowered my head, feeling shy all of sudden. I noticed Jungsoo shot a glance at them to stop them from kept shouting but it just became worse. I glanced at him and noticed that he flushed. 
He flushed... freaking flushed. 
Suddenly he took a step forward, went to front. Right in front of me. And still, my right hand was on his back. The shouting words kept going as suddenly Jungsoo raised one of his hand to his back. This time it was not for reaching his sore back. This time, it reached my left hand that was dangling all that time instead.
I was frozen. On beautiful, bright, and shiny day, I was frozen.
My right hand already stopped from caressing him seconds ago as I felt my left one being touched by a warm and large hand of him. 
Hand of Jungsoo.. 
And then everything blurred and the only clear scene was just us. It was only us both: Me, him, and our fingers that intertwined as one. But it didn’t stop there. He didn’t stop there. 
When my heart still pounded hard, Jungsoo held my left hand and without saying anything, he simply put my left hand around his waist. My left hand wrapped around his waist. My left hand wrapped around Jungsoo’s waist. Heartbeat stopped. But I felt so alive for any reasons. It was like my hand found the place where it supposed to be. Like created a strong connection that giving me strength, giving him smile. Like that connection made between avatar’s hairs and Ikran so that the avatar will be able to ride them and fly. That’s what I feel. We connected to each other and I was flying out of my insanity. He pulled my hand closer, kinda closed the gap between us, his back and my front body. I felt safe and strange on the same time. But it was the strangeness that I love and can’t resist to. He slightly turned his head, facing me. I tiptoed to be able to see him, and there he was, smiling like an angel to me and I wanted to melt down to the ground but his grip tightened on my wrist and I knew that I have to stand still. We kept that position till idk when. I looked at the outside and the day was still bright.
That time I knew it was just a dream. But I resisted to wake up. I realized it won’t came true no matter what. But I wanted to stay still as long as possible. I knew that he would disappear any moment, when I still wrapped my hand around him like that, but I didn’t want to let go. It was just a simple scene of my dream.
A dream. It always shows us the other side of our life. Sometimes it shows us things that we never think about in life, a different perspective from ours toward forgotten thing. I barely knew Jungsoo before. I mean, it happened to be that Jungsoo was not on my bias list or else. But the dream showed me the other perspective of the real me toward Jungsoo.
And when I woke up in the next morning, I sat right up on my bed, stared up on the ceiling and thought “Jungsoo oppa, you ruined the list