March 6, 2014

Personal Writing: Me Today: Realization

Dejected feeling I feel all the time
I enter a whole new part of my life. I am no longer those girl with reports on my hand running here and there yelling 'deadline-deadline' crazily. I don't chase the campus bus anymore because run out of time. I don't stress, stay up late at night in front of computer, sleep secretly during class, or skip lunch because all the stupid waitings. It is no longer part of my life now. But I miss those already. It seems like it was just yesterday I entered the campus life. Now I already leave them all behind. I am not a student anymore, I got heavier responsibility now. Those two letters submitted in the end of my name look so beautiful yet, idk, strangely weighted? Sometimes I feel kind of proud, most of the time I feel annoyed. Those two letters prevent me from acting silly (which is real me), it makes people avert their looks at me like, 'dude you're not a kid, cut the act!'
That annoyed me sometimes but I know it's time. It's that time of moment when people migrates to the next step of their life. It's my turn now. At first I was so excited that I couldn't stop making future plans of my life. Different versions each day cause it is just too much I wanna grab at once. But apparently I was not ready. I don't know why. It was just, I think I'm not mentally prepared. I can't help feeling anxious all the time. I kind of become so sensitive upon my surrounding. One time I really want to have a decent job and build my carreer path. The next day I gave up because I think I messed up my job interview. Minutes later I want to continue my study and pursue master degree. But next thing I did was just sitting on the edge my bed, wondering if it is my true passion then burying my face on the pillow drowsily, ready to sleep any moment. I seem like can not find my right path, what I wanna do in my life. Is it normal?

The lazier I get, the worse this stupid worries attack me. I don't like this. But yet, I have no idea how to fix this. What a confusing human being, I am..
At this rate, I just missed my friends so much. My childhood friends, middle school friends, high school friends, even current friends.. all my friends. I will start logging in my social network account that has been left for some good times in order to know how they've been. I want to chat them, I want to have a long talk about our long forgotten memories, I want to at least say hello to them.
But apparently it was not my day. Instead of being able to exchange hellos, it turned to be my crybooster (if this word even exists...).
They all have changed. Not in a bad way, I said. But they,.. idk, they found their path of life already? Some had been working for some times, others are working on their master's degree life, some even got married! It is not that I want to follow the latter ones, fyi, but what does matter... they ALL seemed to know what will they do with their only once life. Then again something crawls in, dejected feeling. And I didn't know I can be more depressed than ever.
My true passion, where should I find them?
I have so many things in mind right now though I am not sure whether it is really really my true passion. But I think I know where the problem lies here.
The problem lies on my so called heart.
Yes, it is true. I think to have so many things I want to do in the future is normal. It is called.. excited? Well, passionate maybe? It is good, isn't it? Now the problem is, what I've been calling.. not mentally prepared yet. Until when will you stay in this state? The moment I took my very first step into university, I should've been prepared. Because that was when you choose what you're gonna be later. When you took your first step to Engineering-related major, it most probably you chose to be an Engineer or at least to be someone who has a tough job, physically-mentally. You should've known that. That not-mentally-prepared, it sounds mostly like an excuse.
A lame excuse to cover dark side of you who is not dare to take a risk.
There, I said it.
Sooner or later those dark side will cover all your heart and mind and you will end up being a complete loser. I always be that one person who is left behind cause I am too scared of taking risks. It doesn't sound like fun.
Then go change. Change yourself!
People changed, then why can't you change?
Go erase that worries and scares buddy. It is not too late to do so. The late is never exist for the change. Of course you can't change what in the past, all the stupid doings you did on the past. No need to regret it too.
Things won't change once you regret it, right?
Who cares what stupid things you did on the past. People tends to forget their past faster, especially the bad ones (though people also tends to remember the others's bad past but that's different case, if you know what I mean). So, all you have to do now is to shush away that lame mental. It is hard, but you know, as time flies, what was once hard will turn into the easy one. It is natural.
Well, guess what people. I wrote this at first because I thought it would help to ease my uneasy deeds inside a bit. You know, sharing the bitterness. But as the words flow away, I guess I hit the realization button. Wow, what magic did writing do to me. I guess I should write more then~

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