April 2, 2011

Personal Writing: 1st Time Ever I Cried Like A Baby

1st time ever I cried like a baby was not when I got C on my fave major. Or when I broke up with my bf. Or even when I watched a very sad movie. 1st time ever I cried like a baby is when I sang Can’t Smile Without You in my bed room with the song played through my headphone. I feel like I do really can’t smile without you, mom. Yea, I sang that song for my mom. She’s having a trip to Solo while me staying in Medan. I know it’s common thing. Since 4 years ago my mom has not been stayed with me permanently. But this time it feels so hard for me to be left here.

Idk why I did cry? I just cried and cried along the night. The song played in repeat and I kept cry like a baby. I feel like, God, I miss my mom so bad. I just can’t smile without her. It’s normal, right? I’m still 18. I want my mom stay by my side, seeing her face every morning, singing some old songs or her fave The Ting Ting’s songs together everyday, talking about my school thingy or some stories of her childhood, cooking anything together, or watering the plants outside twice a day. But life has changing every time I open my eyes in the morning. I’m studying in a university now, not in a two-floored building called high school. Now I’m living several years of my life in Medan. My mom lives in Aceh where my Dad has been worked since 9 years ago, sometimes she’s spending her time with me in Medan, or sometimes in Solo visiting my auntie and my grans’s graves. I tryna to be such an independent girl but you know it’s not easy. I still cry when I get a fever or sore throat. And sometimes I still can’t choose what clothes to wear today. Thanks God, I have my brother and sister here. Brother who takes me to the campus when I woke up late in the morning. And sister who cooks very delicious breakfast everyday.

But I still can’t smile without my beloved mom. I love her so much, I love her like the orchid loves the sun. Like the peoples love their wise Queen. Like the lover loves the idol. I love you mom, I always do, you know it’s true. I just can’t find somebody who can inspires me the way you do. You’re my superwoman, my own superhero, my everything. I want you to know it is not easy to stay so far away from you. I miss you like crazy. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh, and the way you say,” I love you, my daughter”.
You know I can't smile without you,

I can't smile without you,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.
You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I'm going through,
I just can't smile without you
Well, I’m crying right now. Like a baby.


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